After twelve hours in a strip lit office I must confess to feeling somewhat devoid of inspiration when I finally walked through the door and collapsed on the sofa at 8.30pm this evening. Fortunately all I had to do to find it again was turn on the television. What was this source of inspiration? I hear you cry (well, vaguely murmur). An old favourite of mine: Room 101. When the credits began to roll I wrote my own list of things to put into Room 101 for today’s post. So here goes:
1) Quilted jackets
Unless your name is Tarquin and you haven’t set foot outside the family estate since birth this is NOT an acceptable form of attire. Why ANYONE would choose to adorn themselves in something reminiscent of their dead grandmother’s bedspread is quite beyond me. And don’t even get me started on the ones with suede elbow patches *shudders* WRONG WRONG WRONG, on so very many levels.
If the devil himself acquired an allotment and began growing vegetables THIS would be the jewel in his legume crown. Obsessive dieters may treasure it for its zero calorie rating (“you burn more calories eating it than you ingest!” they smugly tell you, then bite into it and grimace as they chew), but there is NOTHING about this weird-tasting, disgustingly-textured freak-stick that is right. Disgusting.
3) People who make you look bad
In the office: Experts at making others question their ability to do their jobs, these people thrive on nit picking and revel in the pursuit of power at all costs. They puff up their chests and crow loudly of their own successes, whilst being vocal about where others have failed. They are, in short, deeply insecure bullies, and should be considered as such (ideally not to their faces, as this isn’t ideal for career progression).
In the gym: Prancing around in Lycra so tight it’s a wonder they have enough blood flowing around their bodies to exercise in the first place, these people love nothing more than to be asked how they achieved their perfectly toned bodies (cardio five times a day) and where they went on their last holiday (a hugely expensive spa retreat in Antigua, Bermuda, the Maldives etc.). DO NOT ASK THEM. IT IS A TRAP. You have been warned.
On the web: Social media is rife with idiots who get a kick out of putting others down to bolster their own fragile (but heavily armoured with hatred and spite) egos. Some call them trolls, which is a pretty accurate description. It would certainly be better for mankind were they to go and live under bridges and leave the rest of us alone.
There. I feel better now. That was actually quite cathartic. I may make it a regular feature.