Hamlet was wrong. Bump or no bump? THAT is the question.
Everyone tells you: “Wait until you get to the second trimester, the symptoms disappear, you’ll feel so good – make the most of it!” What they don’t realise is that when you’ve had a missed miscarriage you don’t want the symptoms to disappear. Far from it. In fact, if you had them every day you’d be relieved. Because it would be a sign that things were still okay.
Today I am officially sixteen weeks’ pregnant, and whilst I am finally having to agree my stomach is more rounded, it’s not the classic ‘baby bump’ I’d been led to believe I would have by now. It’s soft and wobbly, for one thing (much like my belly was before, if I’m honest), and it changes in shape and size from one day to the next (making me think, when it’s bigger, that it’s just water retention and/or bloating).
I’m desperately looking for signs that all is progressing as it should, despite the fact I know the odds are stacked in my favour. All was fine at the 12.5 week ultrasound scan. At 14 weeks I saw the baby move at a follow up appointment. And yet, because I’m haunted by what happened last time, I can’t bring myself to believe it’s all okay in there. I don’t know if I will believe it until the day I hold my baby in my arms.
Since week 13 I’ve been going to pre-natal yoga classes. And whilst I’m loving them, being surrounded by other pregnant women with big bumps can be a little anxiety-inducing. I feel jealous of the obviousness of their pregnancies, despite them sharing woes of back pain and sleepless nights. I long to be at the stage they are at, even though I know that wishing this time away is foolish. But this is what miscarriage does to you, sadly. It makes you scared to believe.
My next scan is in two weeks – the day we head home for the Christmas break. Maybe if all is still okay then I’ll be able to relax a little more and enjoy the holiday season. I really hope so!
I’m so sorry for your loss. 😥 I completely understand the desire to feel daily symptoms and also the need to feel security that sometimes never comes (until the birth). I had three losses and four healthy children and the losses definitely affected how the next pregnancy felt. ((hugs)) I hope the next two weeks fly by for you!
Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I do wonder how it would feel to have a pregnancy that wasn’t tainted by the loss of a previous one, but I am feeling positive and hopeful that this time things will work out. 🙂
Only my very pregnancy was untainted, unfortunately every one after that has been a thing of faith.
Best wishes for a happy & healthy pregnancy!! 💕
I haven’t experienced pregnancy loss so I don’t know everything you’re feeling, however I did find I started to feel less anxious once I could feel the baby moving around regularly. I’m 23 weeks now and I feel her most evenings just before I go to bed and it’s a nice reminder that she’s in there. Also I know how you feel about not having an obvious bump! I still get that sideways look from people, is she or isn’t she? I hope everything goes smoothly for the rest of your pregnancy.
Thanks so much for your comment, I’m definitely looking forward to that first flutter! All the best for the remainder of your pregnancy too 🙂