With a name like Hamlet I was always going to stick out from the crowd. Dad claims he chose the name because it was a dark and stormy night when I was born, and because he knew I’d be a leader. Mum says she went along with it because she’d always liked studying Shakespeare at school and had a fondness for Ophelia (which I think is frankly ridiculous). So anyway, for various stupid reasons I was lumbered with this name, and it’s haunted me ever since. Didn’t they realise schools would still be teaching Shakespeare when they had children of their own? Honestly.

Still, I shouldn’t complain. At least I’m better off than my poor brother. At three years old he’s too young to realise what he has in store for him, but something tells me it’s not going to be pretty. What on earth would possess someone to name their son Puck? Not only does it rhyme with a rude word that means the act of coitus (or copulation – we’re doing sex education at the moment and it’s funny as), it’s also the name of the Fairy King. Mum says it’s romantic, but I can’t see it being romantic when my brother’s friends are old enough to realise the joke.

Parents can be so stupid sometimes.