Parting Gift

The following post was written in response to the Creative Ink Writing Prompt on 15 Dec:

The present sat, unopened, for weeks. As if preserving its integrity would bring him back, somehow make it all un-happen. But it wouldn’t, obviously, she knew that.  They all did. But nonetheless they had formed a tacit agreement that the gift would not be touched, nor moved from its place on the living room floor, despite the tree and all its fallen needles having long since been cleared out.

And so they carried on with life, or at least some semblance of it; Matt going to school, Abi to her part time job to make some cash for uni. Philippa painted on her face and cooked them dinner each night. But she spent her days wandering the heath with Barney the dog; bare faced and aimless. She kept it together for the children, thanks to the prescription drugs she had tearfully begged her doctor for. They blurred the edges, made the pain a little less acute. But when they started to wear off reality crept back in, and she was faced once more with the abject terror of being alone, in an empty bed. And an empty life.

He had been a healthy man. An active man. And yet. Cancer could be so indiscriminate. Sometimes no amount of spinach smoothies and early morning workouts could stave it off. When it’s your time, it’s your time. That’s what he’d always said. What a tragedy that his time had come so soon. Just past the post of fifty, the milestone Philippa had dreaded for years. But not him. He was ever the optimist. And now he, and all his optimism, had gone.

Today the children were both out; Philippa couldn’t remember where although she knew they would have told her. She made a cup of coffee, her brain on autopilot, and carried it through to the living room. As much as she wanted to avoid looking at the present, her eyes were drawn to it like magnets. He had known, when he bought it, that the time he had left was short. She knew he had made peace with that in a way she couldn’t imagine herself ever doing. After twenty years of marriage, losing him was like losing the use of her limbs. They had so much still to do, so much still to see. How could she do any of it without him?

Their big plan, once both kids had left home, was to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. They had talked about it often, sat at the kitchen table late into the night, drinking Malbec and plotting out the route they would take. Philippa couldn’t imagine herself climbing a mountain, but with him by her side she knew she could do it. With him by her side she could do anything.

She was on the floor now, kneeling with the present on her lap. Hot tears rolled down her cheeks, splashed onto the Christmas wrapping paper. Whatever was inside would, she knew, break her heart. But it was time. For the kids’ sake she had to move past this. It was part of the process. So she steeled herself and started to peel back the layers. Inside was a head torch, a pair of hiking socks and the Dr Seuss book they had read to the kids when they were little. He had marked one of the pages with a yellow sticky note. Philippa opened it on that page and laughed aloud when she read the rhyme:

You’re off to great places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So get on your way!

As sad as she felt, the pain that had held her in its thrall since his parting loosened its grip just a little. She took a deep breath and exhaled. With his parting gift, he had set her free.

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Chasing Sunset

I wrote this for the Creative Ink Writing Prompt, but also for a special friend, my twin soul, who is forever chasing summer, and who turns 30 tomorrow. Happy Birthday, Twin xx

She had always loved sunset; the romanticism of one day coming to a close, with the promise of another soon to follow. Flying at sunset was the best, that feeling of cheating time. But it was all too fleeting. You could never cheat time, not really. And that was why she had to leave.

Liv’s phone vibrated in her pocket. She slipped her hand inside and pressed down on the power button until she was sure she had killed it. She couldn’t risk the onset of unwanted emotion. The only way out of this was cold stoicism. And when she got there, well, then she could deal with things once and for all. It would be over.

She didn’t know how long she had been asleep, but the red-rimmed sky had finally succumbed to the blackness of night. Liv rolled her neck from side to side, wincing as she cricked it back into place. The cabin was dark, save for occasional spotlights beaming down onto insomniac passengers like alien spacecraft.

Something brushed her hand, making her jump. It was the little girl sitting across the aisle. By Liv’s estimation she was four, maybe five. Tight black curls and fresh pink lips. Cherubic. Liv looked across at the girl’s mother. She too was beautiful, or at least she would have been were it not for the trail of dribble descending from her open mouth.

“Hi,” the girl whispered.

“Hi,” Liv whispered back, ignoring the tightness in her chest. Her heart.

“I’m Becky. What’s your name?”

“Liv.”

The girl regarded her with such a look of scrutiny that Liv felt unnerved. Of course she didn’t know her secret, she couldn’t know it. And yet.

“Can we be friends?”

Liv smiled. “Of course.”

Becky’s face shone from the inside out. Her lips parted to reveal a gap-toothed smile. Liv wondered if she was perhaps older than her original estimation. She watched as the girl reached into the pocket of her pinafore dress, screwing her face up in concentration as she tried to retrieve something. Eventually she pulled her hand out with a flourish, extended her arm and unfolded her fingers. In the centre of her palm was a turquoise stone. “Take it,” she said.

Liv picked up the stone and ran her finger along its surface. It was smooth and round, and though it was dark she could make out flecks of glitter in its swirling pattern. “It’s beautiful,” she said.

“It’s yours,” the girl replied.

“Oh no, I couldn’t possibly…” She offered the stone back to the girl, but she shook her head and refused to take it.

The girl’s mother stirred beside her, opened her eyes and looked down at her daughter. She followed her gaze to Liv, and when her eyes alighted on the stone in Liv’s hand her breath caught in her throat. “Becky, darling,” she said, her voice measured but tense. “Why did you give this lady your stone? Don’t you want it?”

The little girl looked up at her mother and shook her head. Her mother smiled as if this meant something momentous, but Liv had no idea what. “Thank you,” she said to the girl. “I will treasure it forever. Truly.” The girl’s mother smiled, and Liv noticed she had tears in her eyes. She blinked and looked away. Nothing more was said.

When they had touched down and were waiting to disembark the plane, Liv found the courage to turn on her phone. It buzzed immediately. She had known it would. Before she looked at the message she went through the motions of passport control and baggage reclaim. As she stood at belt six, there was a tap on her arm. It was the girl’s mother. The little girl was playing with a doll several feet away, lost in her fantasy. “I wanted to explain what happened on the plane,” the woman said. “It must have seemed strange.” Before Liv could reply, the woman spoke again. “You see, Becky lost her twin a year ago. In a car accident.”

Liv felt her lungs deflate. “I’m so sorry. How terrible for you both.”

Despite her brightly coloured and expertly applied makeup, the woman’s grief was obvious. But Liv sensed something else behind the sadness, maybe a spark of hope? “It’s been the hardest year of my life,” she said. “And for Becky, well, it’s hard to imagine how deeply this has affected her. She’s only five, and the two of them were thick as thieves.” She looked over at her daughter. “The thing is, that stone she gave you on the flight. It belonged to her sister.”

Liv pulled the stone out of her pocket. “Please, take it back. I would never have taken it if I’d known.”

The woman smiled. “But that’s the thing. She wanted you to have it. For a year she’s carried it around with her everywhere, desperate not to let it out of her sight. Her therapist said it was part of the grieving process, that she would let go of it when she had turned a corner. And now, well, now it seems she has. I just wanted you to know. Whatever you said or did on that plane, thank you.”

The woman called her daughter and they turned to leave. As they walked away Liv heard the woman ask why she had given the stone to the lady on the plane. The girl replied: “She needs it more than me Mummy. Turquoise is for strength, she has to be strong for her daughter.”

The arrivals hall began to spin. Liv steadied herself on her trolley. She put a hand to her tummy and stroked it. How had the girl known? She couldn’t have known. Remembering the message on her phone, Liv took it out and read it. It was from Mark, of course. Just seeing his name on the screen choked her up.

Seven words.

The best she had ever seen:

I KNOW. I LOVE YOU. COME HOME. X

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Drive

As he drove, his hands clenched tighter on the wheel, his feet pushing harder down onto the pedals. Sixty, seventy, eighty. His very own white knuckle ride. Ninety, a hundred, a hundred and ten. Sweat pooled at the base of his spine, seeping through his linen shorts. Could he really do this? Why not? Now he had nothing to lose. One hundred and twenty, thirty…STOP. Feet slamming on brakes, autopilot mode engaged. Swerving, nearly not quite hitting. Her. Standing in the middle of the road. Wearing just a cotton sundress. Carrying a rose. The car span around and around, almost not quite tipping. Silence spun a web around him. Finally, finally the car came to a halt, nosing the shrubbery at the side of the highway.

He coughed. Shifted in his seat. Lifted one hand, then the other. Patted himself down. No obvious sign of damage. Cuts and grazes at most. Surely a miracle. If he believed in them.

She was beside the car now. Porcelain skin, fair hair, eyes wide with shock. “Hey, are you okay?” Biting her lip. Standing girlish.

“Fine,” he said, as if this was quite normal. “You?”

“Fine,” she said, a tremor in her voice. “I’m sorry, that was my fault. I could have killed you.”

He smiled. “I could have killed myself.”

He climbed out of the car. They stood a while in sun-soaked silence as the tarmac baked beside them.

“Where you heading?” he asked.

She looked down at the rose cupped in her hand. “Anywhere,” she said. She raised her head; blinked away tears.”You?”

“Same.”

A current of knowing flowed between them. He broke it to observe the car. “It doesn’t look so bad. I think I can fix it.”

She sat down on the bare earth and watched him as he worked. From time to time he cast a sideways glance, noticing her bare feet. Slim wrists. The tattoo on her ankle.

When he was done, he closed the bonnet, slid into the driver’s seat and tested the engine. It sputtered into life. He looked at her. “Lift?” She smiled, torch-eyed. Climbed into the car beside him. As he pulled onto the road he paused. “Your rose,” he said, pointing to the dusty patch of earth on which it lay.

“I don’t need it,” she said with a shrug. “Not anymore.”

He put his foot down on the pedal. And drove.

Written in response to the Creative Writing Ink photo prompt 20th October 2016

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Writing Prompt: The Dying of the Light

My entry for the Creative Writing Ink Image Prompt Competition from w/c 6th October 2016, inspired by this picture:

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The light was dying, and the fire had gone out. Without Brin’s firelighting skills she wouldn’t be able to relight it; she was too little and she didn’t have the skills. The valley looked idyllic now, with its alluring carpet of grass, but come morning it would all be frozen stiff. As would she, if her brother didn’t return. Rowena’s jaw set in determination. She couldn’t just give in. What would her Mama say? And her Papa? She was only five, but she was smart. Everyone said so. Before the flood took them away. She gulped her grief deep down inside and tried to focus. Her empty belly rumbled. In response, she did the only thing she could think of to do: sprang up from her haunches and ran, as far and as fast as her legs could carry her.

Some twenty minutes later, when she reached the towering valley walls, she found a thicket of small trees. Not thinking of the bears that might be lurking there, nor of the fate of her brother (who she knew should have been back hours ago with food for their dinner) Rowena strode purposefully into the thicket and began to gather wood.

When she returned to the camp it was almost dark, but the full moon helped her find her way. She hunkered down over the burnt out embers with the small bits of dry wood and kindling she had found, and set to work. She concentrated hard on setting the sticks at the right angle, carefully arranging the kindling in the crook of the bottom piece of wood she had partially hollowed and laid out, just as she had seen Brin and Papa do many times, but never tried herself. Until now. And now, she knew, failure would almost certainly mean death.

Brin walked slowly across the valley floor, dragging his badly wounded leg behind him. He had, he knew, been lucky in his stand-off with the bear. His wounds would heal – he would survive – but that didn’t make his return to camp any less painful. Or diminish his growing concern about his sister’s welfare. He’d had no choice to leave her, but what would his father have said? “Protect her, Brin, to your dying breath”, were his dying words. And Brin would protect Rowena, of course he would. But to protect her he must also bring her food. Otherwise they would both starve. As he walked he felt the weight of the dead rabbit over his shoulder. Hold on little one, he willed. Hold on.

The smoke reached his nostrils before the light from the flames. He stopped and rubbed his eyes, incredulous. As he grew nearer he could just make out the tiny figure lying beside the fire, wrapped in a small fur. He ran to his sister’s side, scooped her up onto his knee and held her close. She stirred from her slumber, opened her eyes and smiled. “Brin?”

“It’s me, little one,” Brin said, returning his sister’s trusting smile. “Was it really you who got the fire going?”

Rowena nodded. “All by myself,” she said proudly. “Like you and Papa used to do.”

Brin laid the rabbit on the ground and Rowena’s eyes widened. “Well you are cleverer than I even thought possible,” he said. “And, to celebrate, we will have rabbit for dinner tonight.”

The Lurking Menace

The boy sits on his haunches, watching the world as it passes him by. His heavy coat is as black as his heart. His eyes are narrowed like a cat’s. He drags on a cigarette, long and hard, sucking the smoke into the furthest reaches of his lungs. With a flick of his wrist the butt is on the pavement, ground out beneath the heel of his steel-toed boot. He waits.

The girl leaves her apartment. The door slams shut behind her. Outside the air is cold, her breath manifested in a cloud above her head. She fiddles with her earphones, tucks her phone into her armband. She pulls her hat down low and starts to jog.

He sees her approach before she is aware of his presence. Seizing his advantage he springs into her path, grips her firmly by the shoulders.

She screams as his hands are upon her, shakes him off with surprising ease, runs faster, and is gone. Safe from his grasping reach.

He slinks back into the shadows, this wolf in men’s clothing, his face twisted into a grotesque smile. Because he knows something she doesn’t: His capacity to wait far exceeds her capacity to run.

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NaNoWriMo Day 26: The Impossible Dream?

Given the recent terror threats in Brussels, and the ridiculous amount I’ve had on at work, I could perhaps be forgiven for falling behind with my NaNo novel. Nonetheless it’s frustrating to be four days away from the end of the challenge feeling uncertain as to whether I will manage to complete it. I’ve had a good bash at translating my idea into a story, but along the way, as so often happens when you lack a solid plan, I’ve wandered off, allowing my characters to do exactly as they please, often with most unpleasing results. Still, in its current form my ‘novel’ (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense) stands at a not unimpressive 37,397 words – which is precisely 37,397 words more than I would have written had I note decided to partake in the challenge again. So I suppose whatever happens from here on in I should at least be proud of that. But now I’m so tantalisingly close to crossing the virtual finish line I’m not sure I can let it drop. Maybe four days is enough to cram in almost 13,000 words. Maybe this dream is not impossible. Maybe…Just maybe…

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Santa Comes to Town

It’s Secret Santa time at The Stationery Store and Harold, the acting manager (standing in for John who is off work for the duration of the festive season due to hernia surgery), calls everyone into the office to exchange gifts. Rita, the manager’s personal assistant, brings out a bottle of cheap Cava and sets about pouring everyone thimble-sized amounts in plastic cups so they can toast one amother’s good health.

Stacey walks into the office, her impressive breasts squeezed into a tight Christmas jumper that has a Christmas pudding placed strategically  over each nipple. She clocks Mick and takes up a position at the opposite end of the room (everyone knows Stacey and Mick had a clinch in the stationery cupboard at last year’s party – everyone except Mick’s wife, that is – though Stacey swears blind it’s a figment of Mick’s overactive imagination).

“So,” says Alan, the company’s resident social commentator, “which poor bastard got landed with being Santa this year?” The question is answered when a sheepish looking Ron – the gawky work experience boy with luminous ginger hair and violent acne – appears in the doorway in an ill-fitting Santa suit, holding a tatty red sack.

“Come on then,” Harold says clapping his hands together, “let’s get this over with. Time is money after all.” Alan laughs and digs Mick in the ribs. “Bedside manner’s not our Harold’s strong point is it?”

Rita hands the thimbles of fizzy wine to the assembled employees and Ron circles the room proffering his sack. When everyone has their present they open them in unison.

“Well that’s just hilarious,” Stacey scowls across the room at Mick, brandishing a pair of pink handcuffs. He shrugs.

“Ooh!” Rita squeals with overstated enthusiasm, “socks! Just what I wanted!”

“That woman’s feet haven’t seen socks since the day she was born,” says Alan. “What a bloody ridiculous present.”

“Open yours then Alan,” Rita says breezily. He obliges, holding up his Christmas tree shaped ice cube tray and grimacing.

Harold gets a comedy tie, Mick a joke anti-cheating device and Ron a tube of Clearasil.

“Well,” says Harold once all the presents have been opened, “that concludes this year’s office festivities! Merry Christmas, and get back to work!”

“Thank Christ for that,” says Alan, dropping his ice cube tray in the bin on his way out.

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The Ticking of the Clocks

The only constant in his life has been the ticking of the clocks: First the mighty grandfather clock that stood at the foot of his crib like a sentry; then the gilt-edged pocket watch he was given as a boy before being sent to the country as a refugee. He remembered even now the thrill of that transaction as his father dropped the watch into his right hand, closed his fingers over it one by one and smiled. “Look after it,” he had said, ruffling his son’s hair and closing the door of the train as the engine creaked into life. That was the last time Bobby had seen his father. He was seven years old.

Now seventy seven, Bobby lies in a starched hospital bed. His eyes are closed, his breathing ragged. They have sedated him, they tell his worried family – son, Thomas, daughter in law Serina and beloved grandson, Jack. He has had a stroke and suffered serious paralysis and possible brain damage. “Don’t climb up there, darling,” says Serina to her son. Her voice, normally calm, is shrill. “But I want to see Granpa,” says Jack, ignoring his mother and climbing up onto the bed. He takes the old man’s veiny hand in his and squeezes.

Jack is seven, an inquisitive child with an aptitude for art and a love of reading. His sensitivity will serve him well in life, and he will one day become a celebrated artist. But for now he is just seven, sitting on a bed with his dying grandfather, listening to the ticking of the clock on the wall – waiting for something to happen. And then something does happen. Jack must have closed his eyes for a moment because when he opens them again he is standing on a dark landing with his grandfather. Bobby says nothing but points towards a big clock twice the size of Jack that stands at the end of the corridor. He looks down at his grandson and smiles, and Jack has the feeling everything is going to be okay.

The landing begins to shift and Jack feels himself being pulled away from his grandfather, back to the bright lights of the hospital room where his mother and father are waiting. The grandfather clock strikes seven times and Jack opens his eyes. He knows Bobby has gone but he looks peaceful, as if he is asleep. Jack climbs down from the bed and notices a feeling of heaviness in his pocket that wasn’t there before. He reaches a hand inside and pulls out a gilt-edged pocket watch. He smiles.

NaNoWriMo: Grief, Exposed – Chapter Two

As it’s almost half past eleven and I’m a mere six hundred words from completing this year’s NaNo novel, I hope you’ll forgive me for not writing a blog post today and, instead, uploading the second chapter of the novel I’m currently trying so damn hard to complete (please do, however, bear in mind this is very much a FIRST draft, hence the fact it’s doubtless littered with typos, repetition and grammatical errors…):

The night had been long. Scarlett had never been so glad to see a sunrise, nor been so desperate to get on a train home to Cornwall. It was a four hour journey to Bodmin Parkway, from where Phil would pick them up – Jake having flatly refused to let Scarlett travel alone after hearing the news. Whilst she was grateful for his support, Scarlett couldn’t help but feel stifled. Would she ever be allowed to stand on her own two feet, or had her childhood illness left an indelible scar on her life that would never be given the chance to fully heal? “Hey, Scar, it’ll be okay you know.” Jake was sitting opposite her, the morning sunlight shining directly onto his face, highlighting the faint pock-marks on his skin from teenage acne and the bags under his eyes from lack of sleep. Most of the time he looked young for his twenty three years, but today he looked much older. Scarlett didn’t dare think what she must look like. She hadn’t washed her hair in three days and was still wearing yesterday’s clothes and makeup. After her mum’s call the only thing she could do was rock gently back and forth for hours, tears streaming down her face as she chanted her sister’s name over and over again. “Ruby, Ruby, Ruby…” Jake could only hold her as she rocked, his comfort failing to hit its mark, until they both fell asleep around four am. Their train left at nine. “How exactly will it be okay, Jake?” Scarlett asked in a tone that was both harsh and unkind. “They said they’d found a body, but that doesn’t mean it’s definitely her. Travellers die abroad all the time. It could be someone else, completely unrelated. Ruby’s probably fine…” His voice trailed off and he swallowed, his adam’s apple dropping down into his throat like a stop cock. “It’s a bit of a coincidence that she’s missing and they’ve found a body though, don’t you think?” Scarlett looked down at her hands in her lap. Musician’s fingers, her mum had always called them, whereas Ruby’s had been shorter and stubbier. Had been. Scarlett’s stomach clenched. Why was she already thinking of her sister in the past tense? Surely Jake was right and there was still hope? There had to be, because the alternative was too much to bear.

They said little else to one another for the remainder of the journey, Jake busying himself in his latest book – a Lord of the Rings-style epic about gremlins and ghouls in far off places – and Scarlett staring out of the window and watching the landscape rush by, thinking as she always did on train journeys that it was like looking at a single giant impressionist painting of the world. When the train pulled into Bodmin Parkway they disembarked and stood on the platform in the grey drizzle, searching the sea of faces for someone familiar. When her eyes alighted on Phil instead of her mum, Scarlett felt a jolt of disappointment. “Hey Scar,” he said, his lanky frame stooping so he could plant a kiss on her cheek. “Alright Jake?” It felt so normal, this greeting with her step dad, like the ones they’d had a hundred times before. But they all knew this was as far from normal as could be. The question was, which one of them would acknowledge it first? “Right then,” said Phil, taking Scarlett’s knapsack and swinging it roughly onto his shoulder. He had always looked older than his years, the early part of his life having involved heavy drug use and homelessness, but today he looked as if he’d added another decade to his actual age of forty seven. His face was unshaven and his greying eyebrows bushier than ever. The skull tattoo on his neck looked as if it had faded in the sun and his ears hung down like spaniels’ – the result of years of ear-stretching jewellery. Looks-wise, Scarlett had never known what her mother had seen in her step father, but he had a kind heart, and she suspected there weren’t many men who would take on a woman’s three young children, especially when one of them was recovering from a life-threatening illness. Phil might be odd-looking but he had been there for them – for her – and for that Scarlett would always be grateful.

They drove in a silence that was punctuated only by the occasional question from Jake in the back seat, enquiring after this neighbour or that, trying in vain to make normal conversation. When, at last, they were on the winding road leading down into Port Isaac Scarlett felt relief flood through her body. She was home. They drove through the narrow lanes until they reached the Church House at the top of the hill leading down towards the beach. There, they parked the car and walked down to the Piskie Shop that Scarlett’s mum, Jane, had run since they’d arrived in Port Isaac when Scarlett was seven, Ruby two and their brother Toby eleven. The outside of the shop had been painted since Scarlett had left and the delicate spines of its bay windows were now gleaming and white. When she pushed the door the familiar tinkle of the bell alerted her mother to their presence. She had been sitting on a high stool behind the counter, fiddling with one of the tiny pixie statues from the main display, but when she saw them she stood and ran towards them with her arms outstretched. Scarlett fell into her mother’s arms and the two embraced for what seemed like an eternity but must, in fact, have been only a minute or two. Phil and Jake stood either side, the tower of strength to the women’s fragile house of cards. When at last they pulled apart their faces were streaked with tears. Jane, too, seemed to have aged considerably since her daughter had last seen her. She seemed so small to Scarlett, dwarfed by her giant knitted cardigan, tracksuit bottoms and Ugg boots. She looked, to Scarlett, like a tiny, multi-coloured bird. Her grey-streaked dark hair was pulled back into a rough bun that revealed the flap of loose skin around her jawline. The skin itself looked dry, her lips cracked and pale. And the dark circles beneath her eyes betrayed her lack of sleep. “Darling,” she said, finding her voice. “I’m so glad you’re here. Shall we go back to the house?”

They shut the Piskie shop and walked down to the bakery where old Mary was putting the freshly baked pies and Cornish pasties in the window display for the passing lunch trade – not that there was much of that, it being November, and a particularly fresh one at that. “Well I never,” said Mary as they walked in. “If it isn’t the prodigal daughter.” Scarlett blanched at the description, as did her mother, but they kept the smiles fixed on their faces with remarkable skill. “Afternoon Mary,” said Jane, “we’re just after some pasties for lunch.” Mary shuffled back behind the counter, her stoop more pronounced than ever, and pulled out some paper bags for the pasties. “How many are you after dear?” she said. “Is the whole brood back for the weekend?” At this Jane made a guttural noise, turned on her heel and ran out of the shop, slamming the door behind her with a bang. “Something I said?” Mary’s cataract-clouded eyes were awash with confusion. “No, not at all,” said Phil, “Jane’s just…had some bad news, that’s all. We’ll take seven pasties please. Meat ones.” Mary began filling up the bags. “Nothing serious, I hope – the news?” Phil smiled and handed over the money. “No, it’s nothing serious.”

Jane and Phil walked back up to the car, leaving Scarlett and Jake – on Scarlett’s request – to walk to the White House. The ten minute journey took them right down to the pebbly beach and up again to the other side of the bay. It was a steep climb but one that both Scarlett and Jake were used to doing. The White House sat on the crest of the hill, tall and proud like a sentry watching over its charges. Scarlett had loved it from the moment she’d laid eyes on it, even though back then its paint was peeling and its walls all damp with mould. She remembered Jane pulling up their battered old Volvo estate outside and the whole family – Jane, Scarlett, Ruby, Toby and their old dog, Clive – tumbling out of it, like a scene from the Waltons. The estate agent seemed dumbfounded by their love of the house but Jane, who had always had the gift of farsightedness, was delighted with it. With three young children and a divorce in the process of being finalised she was desperate to provide her family with a proper home. And, mouldy walls or not, this would be it. Her offer was accepted the very next day, and the five of them had been installed six weeks later, just in time for Christmas, which had always been Scarlett’s favourite time of year. Now the very thought of it filled her with dread. It was less than two months away. What if Ruby…No, she couldn’t think about that, not yet. She needed to get all the facts before she would allow herself to grieve.

Phil and Jane had passed them on the road, and when they arrived were carrying boxes of new stock for the shop into the house. As Scarlett and Jake pushed open the white painted gate into what Scarlett had always affectionately called the Sliding Garden – so named because of the sharp angle with which it sloped down towards the beach some hundred feet or so beneath – there was a clatter and a loud bark, followed by a blur of brown fur running straight at them. “Barney!” Scarlett crouched down to greet the family dog, an eight year old red setter that they’d had ever since Clive passed away when Scarlett was fifteen. Barney jumped and put his muddy paws onto her skirt. She laughed and pushed him gently back down, ruffling the soft fuzz of hair on the top of his head as he drooled happily onto the grass. She stood up and followed the hop scotch of paving slabs that led around the side of the house to the front door, stopping along the way to take in the view of the bay beneath. For now, the tide had been sucked out of it, leaving a string of pebbles and seaweed in its wake, like the aftermath of a party once the guests had all departed. Before long though, she knew, the sea would be back, crashing onto rocks and surging into caves, covering all in its way.

“I got your favourite cake,” said Jane in a faux-cheerful voice as they pushed open the stable-like front door and put their bags down in the hall. Scarlett walked into the kitchen and attempted a feeble smile at the spread her mother had put out on the table – the best china tea set, a Battenburg cake and some scones with jam and what she assumed was freshly whipped cream. “I just wanted it to be nice,” Jane continued. “Although now I look at it everything just feels so…wrong…” Her voice broke and her tiny frame began to quake with sobs. Scarlett crossed the kitchen with a sweep of her long, and now also very muddy, skirt, and wrapped her arms around her mother. When the sobs had subsided she led Jane to the table and gestured for Jake to boil the kettle. “Come on Mum,” she said, “let’s not get ahead of ourselves. We don’t know all the facts yet.” Jane sniffed and pulled a tissue from the pocket of her cardigan. She pressed it to her nose and blew hard. “Is Toby coming?” Phil entered the kitchen, stooping to avoid hitting his head on the wooden beam above the door. “Yes, and Mia and Sam too.” Mia was Toby’s girlfriend, Sam her four year old son. Whilst Scarlett had nothing against either Mia or Sam, she had never felt entirely at ease around them. But then if she was entirely honest with herself, Scarlett never felt entirely at ease around her own brother. Growing up they had never been close and, rather than bringing them together, after her illness Scarlett felt the distance between them even more keenly. Toby had moved away as soon as he could, passing his A Levels with flying colours and securing a place at Warwick university to study law. It was little surprise to the family when passed his degree with first class honours and was made a partner at a law firm in Southampton. What was more surprising was the fact he gave the partnership up soon after meeting Mia on a night out with his lawyer friends, and promptly moved to Brighton to take up a more menial position in a local firm so he could set up home with Mia and her little boy. Jane, who was astounded enough that two of her three children looked set to excel in their careers (Scarlett being forgiven, as she always was, because of her illness), was more astounded still that her only son had fallen in love not only with a woman ten years his senior, but also with the woman’s son (Toby never hitherto having shown the slightest inclination towards women of any age, and certainly not towards children).

The sound of a car outside, followed by the squeal of a child’s laughter and the sound of shoes crunching on gravel alerted them to Toby’s arrival. Barney came bounding through the door into the kitchen with Sam in hot pursuit. “Doggy, doggy,” chanted Sam, chasing Barney around the table until he rolled onto his back and demanded to have his tummy stroked. There was no denying Sam was a beautiful child, as angelic as they came with his unruly mop of blond curly hair and eyes so deep and blue they were like rock pools. His cheeks bore perfect spots of pink, the rest of his skin being almost translucent in colour, as if he had never been exposed to the sun. This, Scarlett thought, was odd, since his mother’s colouring was of an entirely different hue. As if on cue Mia stalked into the kitchen. Dressed in skinny jeans, a mohair jumper and thigh high leather boots, she would have looked more comfortable on Bond Street than in a tumbledown cottage in deepest, darkest Cornwall. Her hair was, as always, coiffured to a standard of perfection that Hollywood film stars would admire. She pulled first Jane and then Phil into exuberant embraces, then stopped and looked across the kitchen at Scarlett. “Scarlett,” she said, “how are you?” Scarlett smiled a tight-lipped smile. “Fine, thank you.” The two women regarded one another, not with rudeness, exactly, but a kind of swarthy respect. Scarlett knew that Mia had once coveted a singing career, but that health issues had scuppered it before it had taken off. The fact that she was treading that same path seemed to make Mia more reverent towards her than she might otherwise have been, or at least that’s how it felt to Scarlett who, on her part, was merely bemused as to why a woman of Mia’s evident beauty and talent had ended up in a two bedroom house in Brighton living with her brother.

Toby brought up the rear of his family group, stepping into the house and bolting the door behind him. Ever since he was a child he had always had a commanding presence. People used to comment on his serious expression, as if he knew something that others didn’t; that a war was about to break out, perhaps, or possibly a plague. It was rare that anyone could make him laugh, a trait that had failed to develop even in later life. Scarlett knew Jane blamed herself for this inherent lack of joy in her son. He had been nine when she had separated from their father, the only one of her three children really old enough to understand what was going on. And, if his subsequent personality development was anything to go by, Toby was also the only one to have been seriously affected by it. Now he walked into the kitchen and shrugged off his heavy lawyer’s overcoat, taking a seat at the table and helping himself to a slice of the Battenburg cake that sat limply on its plate before even acknowledging his mother or his sister. “Mum, Scarlett,” he said as he chewed his first bite of cake. “Phil,” he added almost as an afterthought, turning the cake over in his mouth, observing the reactions of his family around the table. He sat back in his seat, swallowed hard and cracked his knuckles. “So,” he said, “what exactly is going on?”

“Take a seat, everyone,” said Jane, finding her voice and shepherding everyone towards the table. She looked at Mia. “Perhaps Sam would like to take some cake and watch a DVD in the living room?” Mia nodded and Jane cut him a slice of Battenburg and took him next door to settle him in front of the television. When she came back the rest of the family had assembled around the table as instructed, leaving the seat at the head of the table for her, the matriarch. She sat down and pulled her cardigan around her. Phil reached across the table for her hand and nodded. “Right,” she began, “first of all thank you so much for coming. I wasn’t sure what to do when I first heard the news, but now that you’re all here I know this was the right decision.” They all stared at her, waiting. “This all started with a phone call the day before yesterday. It was from a staff member at a beach resort in Goa. A budget place, you know, for travellers. They said that Ruby had been staying with them for a week or so, but that she hadn’t been seen in two days – either entering or leaving the premises.” Her voice began to break again so Phil stepped in. “The man said Ruby hadn’t used her room in two nights or more. They knew because all guests are asked to leave their keys at reception when they leave the premises. Until Wednesday morning Ruby had been doing that, but then she stopped, just like that.” Phil broke off and fixed his gaze on the Battenburg. “And then yesterday they found a body.” Mia gasped. “A body?” Scarlett looked first to her mother and then to Toby. Neither raised their head. “Wait,” said Scarlett, “you didn’t know they’d found a body?” Toby shot a warning look at her across the table. “I wanted to protect her,” he said. “Until we knew for sure.” Scarlett frowned. “But we don’t know for sure, do we? I thought we didn’t know for sure that it was Ruby?” Jane dabbed at her eyes with another tissue from her never ending cardigan supply. “Darling,” she said with a sniff, “they think it’s her. She fits the description and…She was wearing her clothes.” Scarlett wrinkled her nose. “So? She might have lent them to someone. That’s what travellers do. Just because she was wearing her clothes doesn’t mean it’s Ruby. For Christ’s sake, there must be more evidence than that?” Phil shook his head. “That’s all we know for now, Scar, but we’re working on finding the money for one of us to go out there, you know, to identify the body and…bring her home.” Tears sprang into Scarlett’s eyes as if from nowhere, and she felt a surge of emotion so sudden and powerful it might just as well have been a tidal wave. “I want to go,” she said quietly. “Darling,” said Jane, “I don’t think that’s a good idea…” Phil looked first at his wife and then at Scarlett. “Scar,” he said, “I know this is hard for you, it’s hard for everyone. And that’s precisely why we” – at this he looked to Toby and back – “are trying to protect you all.” “We’re going,” Toby said, “me and Phil.” Scarlett looked to her mother for support, but Jane averted her gaze and stared silently out of the kitchen window at the sea beyond. “And that’s the end of it Scar, okay? We leave tomorrow.” Scarlett, who had never once stood up to her brother, nor indeed to any member of her family, before, rose to her feet and pushed back her chair. “No Toby,” she said. “That’s not okay. I’m coming too.”

NaNo 2013 Preview: Grief, Exposed – Chapter One

It’s the 25th November and, after a mammoth writing session today – during which I have somehow managed to write 8,000 words – I’m firmly on the home straight towards my fifth NaNoWriMo success. And what better way could there be to celebrate this most wondrous of occasions than by posting the first chapter of this year’s NaNo novel? (I hear you ask in breathless anticipation). Well, here it is….

CHAPTER ONE

It was dark by the time Scarlett reached the venue for her gig. Named with either deliberate irony or non-deliberate naivety, The King’s Arms pub was the polar opposite of anywhere an actual member of the royal family would choose to frequent. At first glance she wasn’t sure the place was even open, it’s grotty peeling exterior and two boarded up windows giving the impression of a derelict building that had long since closed down. But then the door swung open and a sliver of light proved that this was, in fact, an establishment doing current trade, albeit an uninviting one.

Scarlett shielded her eyes to identify the figure that had appeared in the open doorway and was now standing silhouetted against the light. “Jake?” The figure moved a step closer. “Who were you expecting? James Dean? If so I’m sorry to disappoint.” Scarlett took a playful punch at her friend’s arm and reached into the pocket of her house coat to find her tobacco. She pulled out the packet and pressed the pads of her slender fingers together to try and generate some heat. For the beginning of November it was still unseasonably clement, but her poor circulatory system was already denying her extremities the luxury of flowing blood.  “So what’s it like in there?” she asked, opening the packet and pulling out her rolling apparatus with the care and attention of a surgeon preparing for an operation. “Honestly?” Jake replied, relieving her of the packet so she could roll her cigarette. Scarlett shrugged in response. “I guess.” She took a generous pinch of tobacco and pushed it into the expectant rizla paper, noticing with disgust that she had once again bitten her nails down to the stubs. “Pretty horrendous,” said Jake. “A few coffin dodgers with one foot in the grave and a ropey looking hen party in the corner.” Scarlett rolled her cigarette and licked along its length with careful precision. She rested the finished creation between her lips and leaned into the warmth of Jake’s hand as he held up his lighter. “Great,” she said, inhaling deeply and watching as the smoke drifted out of her mouth and up into the crisp night air. “That’s just how I pictured my first gig in London town.” Jake’s boyish face screwed up into a frown. “Come on Scar,” he said, “don’t be like that. Everyone has to start somewhere.” It was true, she knew, but it did little to shift the feeling of disappointment in her stomach that had stamped all over the butterflies that had earlier resided there. She took two more long drags on her roll up, threw it to the ground and stamped it out with a studded boot. “Come on then,” she said, “show time.”

Jake wasn’t wrong about the clientele. Inside, the pub was little more appealing than outside, though it was at least warm. The tobacco-stained walls were adorned with equally yellow pictures of bygone – and, to Scarlett’s mind, also somewhat questionable – ‘celebrity’ clientele. The crimson shag pile carpet was matted in places and covered up by newer looking rugs in others. In the non-boarded up windows were dusty displays of fake flowers, and on each table a candle wilted wax onto the surface beneath. The bar itself was made of dark mahogany and bedecked with gold plated horse shoes and other paraphernalia that Scarlett assumed must have sentimental value, for it was entirely devoid of aesthetic value. Behind the bar a woman stood polishing glasses. She was nearly as brassy as the ornaments that hung above her head, her hair a tumbling cascade of bleached blonde curls and her ample bosom creeping above the confines of her tight white top. She looked up as Scarlett approached and flashed a wary smile, as if scoping out her opposition. Scarlett did her best to return the smile. “Stella,” the woman said, putting the glass down and holding out her hand. “Scarlett.” They shook hands in what felt to Scarlett an oddly business-like exchange. “Right,” Stella said, appearing to feel the same way. “So the stage, if you can call it that, is over there. The PA system’s all set up, mike, amp and all that jazz. That’s all you need, right?” Jake picked up his guitar case from the floor. “And this, obviously,” he said with a lopsided smirk. “Okay then,” Stella said with an over-elaborate clap. “I’ll leave you two to get set up.” She peered in the dim light at her diamante-encrusted watch. “There’s half an hour until kick-off. It might be quiet now but trust me, by eight o’clock all the regulars will be in and you’ll have a great audience.” Scarlett and Jake exchanged doubtful looks.

To their surprise, Stella had been right about the imminent influx of locals. Within fifteen minutes a steady stream of people had more than doubled the head count inside the pub, and though they weren’t quite the hip Camden crowd she longed to perform in front of, Scarlett was relieved to see that at least some of them were under the age of fifty and enthusiastic looking. Once they had set up the equipment they ran a brief sound check. “Testing, testing, one, two, three,” said Scarlett. “Yes, very testing,” someone shouted from a dark recess at the back of the room. Scarlett’s stomach contorted in sudden, naked fear. “Very funny,” she said into the microphone with a theatrical roll of her eyes. “That’s right love,” a second disembodied voice shouted from the same general direction as the first, “don’t let that miserable bugger put you off.” Scarlett returned the comment with a slow smile, then looked to Jake and nodded. On her cue he started to play the familiar first few chords of the new song Scarlett had composed especially for the gig. She leaned into the microphone, closed her eyes and began to sing. When, some thirty minutes later, she came up for air and broke out of her trance, the audience burst into spontaneous applause so loud it made her jump. She turned to Jake and he beamed back at her. “Wow,” she said into the microphone, finding her voice and turning back to the modest crowd. “This was our first gig since moving to London from Cornwall and, well, we weren’t sure what kind of reception we’d get. You’ve been amazing, thank you so much.” She slipped the microphone back into its stand as a second round of applause began to fade and walked over to her friend. “Great going kiddo,” Jake said with a wink. “You weren’t so bad yourself,” Scarlett replied, noticing for the first time he had replaced his normally scruffy attire with a new pair of jeans and a round-necked jumper from Gap. “New threads?” she asked, and Jake’s face flushed red. “I just thought it might be nice to smarten up a bit. First gig and all…” Scarlett leant closer and examined his head. “Have you had a haircut too?” she teased. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with my friend?” Jake took a swipe at her and she ducked out of his way. “Come on smarty pants, let’s have a celebratory lemonade. I’d say we’ve earned it.”

It was just past midnight when they returned to the flat they shared above a shop on the Old Kent Road. They picked their way through the detritus of leaflets, newspapers and empty kebab packets in the communal hallway that was also shared by three other flats in the same building and walked up to the second floor. As soon as they got in the door Scarlett kicked off her shoes and threw herself onto the sofa, which was so old it sagged under her slight weight. She surveyed the room with a sigh, its drab décor and peeling damp-filled walls dragging her spirits down from the level the gig had elevated them to. “Make me some toast will you?” she asked Jake with an eyelash-fuelled smile, “with Marmite?” Jake rolled his eyes and left the room. “And a cuppa?” Scarlett shouted after him. “Don’t push your luck,” came the response, though she knew he would do as she asked. Jake, her dear friend, without whose unswerving support she might never have had the confidence to move to London and make a go of a career in music. Jake, who had brought her back from the brink more times than she cared to admit, even to herself. Unwilling to pursue that line of thought further she sat up and switched on the ancient second hand television they’d purchased in Camden market the previous day for ten pounds. The picture flickered into life to reveal a programme about India, and Scarlett’s thoughts immediately turned to Ruby. It had been a month now since they had driven to the airport to see her little sister off on her travels abroad, and since then Ruby’s contact with her family had been sporadic at best. But then, Scarlett knew, Ruby was not the type to spend hours in an internet café Skype-ing her friends (Scarlett was not at all sure Ruby had many friends), nor was she particularly fond of lengthy telephone conversations. She was a tomboy in that respect, as well as in others. One of Scarlett’s earliest memories was of running barefoot along the beach of Trebarwith Strand in a flimsy cotton dress, arms outstretched like an aeroplane, while Ruby, clad in thick corduroy trousers, a hoodie and wellington boots, explored rock pools looking for crabs. It was true to say her sister was an introvert by nature. Bookish, was a term that was bandied around a lot when she came up in conversation. ‘That sister of yours is such a bookworm,’ old Mary in the bakery had said to her one day. ‘Always got her head in some complicated looking book or other – it’s a wonder she doesn’t bump into things.’ They had all been surprised when, over breakfast some months previously, Ruby had calmly announced her intention to go travelling before taking up her place at Cambridge where she had a place to study chemistry. Nobody, least of all Scarlett, thought she was the travelling type, but then she could well understand Ruby’s need to break out of the tiny community where they had lived all their lives and see something of the world. Scarlett herself was grateful to Ruby for providing a much-needed catalyst for her own departure from the sleepy Cornish fishing village she had called home for the past twenty three years. The thought of what her life might have been like if she had stayed there forever made her shudder even now.

“Here you go, lazy cow,” said Jake, strolling into the room and handing Scarlett a plate of toast and mug of tea. She sat up and crossed her legs, folding her long skirt into her lap and pushing the multitude of gold bangles jangling at her wrist further up her arm so she could eat. She watched as Jake walked the length of the room and sat down on the armchair opposite. He had changed out of his new clothes into his old tracksuit bottoms and school athletics hoodie, and now looked more how she had come to think of her best friend; casual, slightly foppish with his too-long brown hair falling across his face. Jake went about his life in an unhurried way that Scarlett envied, exuding a quiet confidence that things would work out in the end, no matter how strenuous the journey. He was the only child of their neighbours in Port Isaac, Pauline and Nick. Nick was a fisherman with a similar temperament to Jake’s, which Scarlett supposed was where he got it from. When she was recovering from her illness she and Jake used to spend hours in their front room, looking out to sea and playing ‘spot Nick’s boat’ as Pauline kneaded bread for that night’s supper. When Scarlett first began to cut herself Jake wouldn’t leave her side, and he had been her protector and friend ever since. It seemed only natural when she moved to London that he would come with her, not least because they shared a musical ambition. Indeed Jake’s company was a stipulation of Scarlett’s being allowed to come to London in the first place, her mother feeling that she wasn’t strong enough to go all by herself. Not yet, she said. Not yet.

Scarlett took a bite of her toast and pulled her old Nokia out of the folds of her skirt. She hadn’t thought to check it all night – why would she? – but now she saw a number of messages, both text and voicemail, demanding her attention. “Turn it down a sec will you?” she asked, and Jake duly obliged with the remote. Scarlett put down her toast and held the phone to her ear. The first voicemail was from her mum. “Darling, it’s me, Mum. Can you call me back please?” That was odd, Scarlett thought, her mum’s voice had sounded shaky, unlike the normal cheery one she was used to. She pressed the button to move onto the next message. “Darling, it’s me again. I’m sorry to call so late but there’s something I have to tell you.” Scarlett felt a prickle of fear rise up inside her. “Everything okay?” Jake, as always, sensed her mood. He stared at her across the room, his brown eyes scanning her face for an answer. “Messages from Mum,” Scarlett said, keeping her voice as even as she could, “she needs to speak to me about something, urgently. I’ll call her back.” She punched in the numbers of her home phone and waited as it rang once, twice, three times. On the fourth ring there was a click and a man’s voice answered. “Hello?” It was Phil, her stepdad. “Phil? It’s Scarlett. I just picked up Mum’s messages. Is everything okay?” There was a moment’s silence on the end of the line. Scarlett pictured Phil’s time-ravaged face in quiet contemplation. “Let me get your Mum,” he said. “Hang on a sec.” Scarlett shrugged at Jake. He stared back at her, eyebrows knitted into a frown. “Scarlett?” Her mother’s voice came on the line. “Mum?” A strange choking sound emanated from the receiver. “Mum? What’s wrong?” Her mother cleared her throat in an attempt to compose herself. “Darling,” she said with considerable difficulty, “something’s happened – to Ruby.” Scarlett tried to suppress the panic rising up inside her. “What do you mean? What’s happened?” Her mother was crying now, sobbing uncontrollably into the receiver. “Scarlett,” said Phil’s voice, having taken charge of the situation. “Ruby’s gone missing in India. And they’ve found a body.”