Sitting with Sadness

Mortality is something I struggle with. A lot. And when people close to me get ill I feel a rising sense of panic borne out of a combination of helplessness, fear of death, and perhaps also (selfishly) fear of abandonment. I lost my grandparents at a relatively young age, which may go some way towards explaining why I feel the way I do. Indeed, if we look into our past most of us will see something that helps to make sense of our emotions in the here and now. What I’m trying to work on is accepting the emotions that certain situations can elicit, allowing myself to sit with them, experience them and let them wash over me instead of fighting them off. The worst thing we can do when we experience negative emotions is try not to feel them. Every emotion has value and is trying to teach us something. So if today, like me, you are feeling weighed down by sadness, try sitting with it for a while, accepting it for what it is, letting it into your heart and mind. Then, take a deep breath, let it out, and continue with your day.

crying-eyes

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The fading of the light

Tap tap tap.
The sound of security, purpose and direction. Vibrations of a life being lived, if not well then at least with intent and without surrender.
Tap tap tap.
The sound of derision, laughter and pity, a spectrum of emotions-all but one of which cut deeper than a knife.
Tap tap tap.
Decisions made, promises broken, friendships lost. Even the kettle is a mountain.
Tap tap tap.
A tangled web of lies, not driven by malice but by fear. It’s for the best, they say. But who are they? Who are they really?
Tap tap tap.
Loneliness creeps like a thief in the night. It wears a cloak of shame, its swag bag groans with regret.
Tap tap tap.
Feeling your way, everything is new, everything distorted. Complacency is dead.
On. Off. On. Off. Blinking like a defective strip light. Soon you too will be stripped of light, and terror will seep into your bones like tea diffusing from a bag.
Tap tap tap. You’ll learn to cope, the doctors say. Other senses will prevail, like knights in shining armour they will rescue you from the dark-from yourself.
Tap tap tap.
Not long now. Nothing to do but wait.
Tap tap tap.
Darkness falls.